Allowing Myself to Be Me

Brain Juice by: Elizabeth Karpen

"When did it all go wrong?"

The words left my lips even though they were being asked to no one but myself. This was the place where it all went wrong. I thought to myself over and over again till it was the only sentence that I knew. It's the place where you're the happiest. But it is still the place where it all went wrong.  Even when I think back now there is a definite line of where the memories change. They start off as very bright and playful. Always of running and laughing. But then they turn darker, into scenes of walking away and loss. Memories that look faded even though they were more recent. 

And I ask myself it again; "When did it all go wrong?"

When did it become so normal to cry? When did people's words start to hurt so much? When did I lose track of who I was? I could pinpoint a where, but not a when.

After days of living in a zoned out bubble of constant thought about the whys, when's, who's, whats, and wheres of my depression I came down to one conclusion; There is not one event which had made me like this. It had just been a long journey of love and lost. Hurtful words and hurtful actions. They have all built up over years and years of torment and bullying. And now I am the one being punished. Scrutinized for my ideas and way of thinking. Just because I was different from everyone else. I lived my days in constant fear of saying the wrong thing and spent every night hating myself. While all those who had tortured me spent their days hurting more people just like me. And I couldn't stop them from hurting them or for hurting me.

Five years from around the beginning of my depression, I still have my days. I still feel hopeless and sad. But I've stopped blaming myself. It's not my fault that I am depressed. And I know that there will be more days in the future when I am depressed, yet that doesn't scare me anymore. I know that I am getting better because I allowed myself to just be me. For a while I didn't know who that was anymore, but I've been able to find my way back to her. I'm trying to be happy even though so many bad things have happened, and that's all that really matters.