Spectrum of Light

Most people say it needs to be a certain level of darkness to see the stars. 

Darkness. 

Why do we equate such a pretty thing like a star with darkness? 

Most people say it's easier to describe thing such as depression and anxiety as a shade or a color. 

When you're depressed you're blue

But what about when you're panic stricken, what about when you think the walls are closing in and you can't breathe? 

Yellow. I think of yellow

I think of being electrocuted by my own thoughts. 

Red. I think red

I think my body and my brain being on fire, and I can't put it out because it's down to the bone. 

Gray. I think gray

I think gray like the fog that I constantly am living in. 

And you would think all the colors combined would make something beautiful - but it's dark.

Darkness, I thought darkness brought beauty. 

This darkness makes me feel ugly and in pieces that I can't glue together. 

A darkness that I try to cleanse in hot water trying to grab on to anything pure. 

Most people equate a certain darkness with a sense of something with the potential of beauty. And light colors with comfort. 

I am not most people.


Nicole is a beam of sunshine from Long Island living with GAD, lupus, and all the wacky medical complications that come along with it. She's a pro at: hospital stays, taking too many medications at once, panic attacks, and living with pain.